Inner emptiness... when u think u lost all.....u nvr knew u could lose even more

Back home where i most love...n most loved...
i felt ntg...again...tis continues....even worse...n my brain was still hving a really weird feeling... i have phobia...a real one! tat.. im afraid of my notes....every single school notes terrifies me.....it was so scary to me...i kept on remembering the moment i cant finish it up....
my brain couldnt pay a gd attention.....no feelings...n i cant control it...it is as if something stucked in my mind....i dunno who to tell...i do not want anyone to worry about me...so i leave it all to myself....i kept my secrets....i nvr trusted anyone except God....... bt i stop feeling god for so long......i teared inside wif no feelings....i cry for my empty... im nt sad, neither m i happy, im nt nervous, im more calm than any as i fear ntg.....no......tis was nt wat i wanted............i c no hope no dreams....

i used to think, no big deal right if one day a person feels ntg, y commit suicide?how silly is tat...
the thing is...it is so diff to feel tat way on my own....i always tot heaven was an escape...tat although i dun feel gd enough on earth, i noe the father up thr will perfect me when i meet him
NO, wat u had on earth, if u did nt glory in his name, if u hv no happiness in him, u hv no treasure stored up thr...something kepts telling me tat...
tis drives me real crazy..nt feeling anything makes me go on despair......i dunno y should i live...wat's the point?y cant i just vanish? y cant i escape to another land? so many questions unanswered........ no one was thr to listen to me...not even my family......... everyone is so busy wif their life...
i was always a gd listener n "sort of" a gd advisor too......... bt y when im hving the hardest part of my life....no one is thr for me...is nt tat i dun try to tell...bt no one seems to pay attention when i speak of it.......

WHY

WHY AM I ALIVE?

awful.....n i start to realise y ppl take drugs...or anti depressant...it makes them gets back tat "happiness", or even a slight feeling can be a big gift

FOOL

bt so wat....if i can feel again...i can do anything....i mean it.....