dying deep in the inside

我真的快死了。。。
我的心死了
几时开始我不爱自己了
让自己自生自灭
活得空壳似的。。。。

没人能体会
没人感受我的痛

他们
全部人

我为什么要顾及其他人的感受

当没人站在我这里

我孤独一人

别人的快乐我得不到

我用我的悲伤建立着他们的欢笑

我的悲伤我的寂寞

不重要

我的空心，没人觉得有必要填补

有一天的有一天。。
我会回家。。。回天上的家

只是希望那天早点到来。。。。

在我还撑得住以前

你真的不重要么

我感伤，我内心在痛哭
我的灵魂枯萎，也许以前的我真的这么自私过。。。

我忧郁症反反复复地。。康复了复发，康复了复发

我坚持着不吃药。。
可是得不到家人的支持。。。或许是我最致命的

感谢天主，我还是不愿意放弃。。
我不想因为这个样子而放弃，我的动力来自我曾经的快乐，那时，我非常非常幸福

我的梦也时常提醒我，我并非全全麻木，只是想不起来当初的感觉而已。。
我回想起来的

一定一定会想起来的。。。

我有点受到打击。。。就是我姐，我不太懂，我已经身经百战的感觉，为什么还可以被这女人气得半死，明明有时候不需要生气的东西，他却因为公司有事，回来就发泄大骂

我不是不理解，我不是不体谅

我明白工作的辛苦，好多的无奈，好多无法诉苦的事。。。好多开不了口，全部咽下去的苦涩。。

可是我还是忍不住在心里掉泪。。。她说我不听她的话，简单的事情都听不清楚。。。

我告诉她，有多少次她也没把我的话听进去，不只是她，二姐，妈妈。。。

全部人都只听自己想听的话。。。把别人的事。。。抛在脑后

反正对他们没什么关系。。。。一点。。。都不重要

每次跟他们聊天。。。不是对着电话滑，就是在不知道做些什么。。。。

什么。。都听不进去

我的难过。。。我的寂寞。。。我的彻底无奈。。。

你们听到么。。。我的哀嚎。。。。我的眼泪打在地上。。。

没人在。。

听

我不明白。。。为什么你们存在了。。。伤透我了。。

我无法接受，
为了自己而生存的人
我自然是为了各种因素，我喜欢为了上天赐给了我这份礼物， 我这份生命，
我觉得我应该要活得有舍有得，既然祂给我了，我也会拿去分享
这样的我。。至少活得心安

我有时候当然也会不快乐，比起自私的人。。。
可是我觉得很对。。。

我无法接受自我的人类。。。
这世界不是什么都是 you your yours
偶尔，去听别人的话好不好？关心懂不懂？
你老是太忙碌讲着自己的事，
到最后，人都会离你而去

自私，是寂寞的。。。
就连字眼 “自”=自己 “私”=わたし=也是自己的意思
好像搞得全世界是为了你而存在，
月亮为了你而公转
每天的太阳是为了你而升起

我最亲爱的孩子呀
不行的
这样子想是不行的

世界上还有太多你应该分享的
还有好多你要去听他们叙说
还有啊还有啊~对面的壁花说它最近又长了一片新叶子~
你才知道，你没有。。错过那么多

不要活得那么自我

身边的人不是永远都在你身边

好多事情就因你这次的漠不关心
一辈子都不会有人在你需要的时候理你

孤独是可怕的。。。
它能吞噬你的灵魂

空虚的灵魂
国王坐在多纯金属的王位。。
都觉得一无所有

醒醒我的孩子。。。醒过来。。。

Inner emptiness... Why not....i give myself n my lord a chance...just..one more time?

Fine...at tat moment, i hv literally ntg left?wat could cost more?my life?take it then

I sat down n prayed again...i pray for my recovery...

i pray for the every single wound tat i hv inside out...
Lord, i pray for my health...if i could ever let my brain work normally like it was before..
i pray tat i can feel just a lil...
i pray tat lord god can touch my heart again...

I had nothing....but i still believe....well tat's the least i can do...
i start believing....as i said..i hv ntg to lose anymore..

i believe lord will come again
im a child of my heavenly God, if u were thr....hear me lord.... ur daughter so hope tat u can wrap me inside ur chest, i want to be in my comfort zone....

every single day, i will pray n read the readings everyday(it's holiday, ntg much i can do)
i start to have novena to pray that lord can heal me...

n u know, lord actually didnt abandoned me....
in my understanding later on...although i dunno whether it is true...but it is like lord telling me he nvr wanted me to had such hardship....he teared n hugged me so tight....he said im sorry my child....bt thr r challenges tat life will give.... i know it was not His fault... it was something else... some might think im superstitious... well i dunno..i just felt as if some other is thr...bothering me before...when i was so weak tat they took advantage on me...tat i  did nt let lord in as im so not believing at the worst circumstances.....

Lord...Im sorry....

Everything seems to change ever since i start BELIEVING
I continue pray for healing every day...n to my surprise, i felt better n better, my brain had totally overcome the phobia i was having n i start to feel a little by little nw....

Not much.....but i shall not rush....

It is not like a painkiller tat kills ur pain one shot, it takes time for ur wounds to heal n scars to fade
So y not let Lord heal a little by little...his hands can be so warm tat u felt so loved.... a little by little, i trusted n i know i will be fully recovered n be the loving person in used to be... I just know i will, dun ask me why
I just cant stop believing
I encourage every single soul tat is feeling empty to start believing
i do not know whether u r a theist or not, i hope u can walk thru ur inner emptiness bit by bit by believing(sry if it is an offense to u tat im calling u to believe thr's a god up thr)
but u know, thr's really not much u can lose

dun u worry child, my lord is a loving lord, n if u can, cross all ur fingers, just say tat in ur heart
"would u ever heal me? can u?pls?"

someone as minute as me can be heard, y not u?

it sure is a big word for me to say, but i just wan the whole world to know
that I AM a MIRACLE of God

Inner emptiness... when u think u lost all.....u nvr knew u could lose even more

Back home where i most love...n most loved...
i felt ntg...again...tis continues....even worse...n my brain was still hving a really weird feeling... i have phobia...a real one! tat.. im afraid of my notes....every single school notes terrifies me.....it was so scary to me...i kept on remembering the moment i cant finish it up....
my brain couldnt pay a gd attention.....no feelings...n i cant control it...it is as if something stucked in my mind....i dunno who to tell...i do not want anyone to worry about me...so i leave it all to myself....i kept my secrets....i nvr trusted anyone except God....... bt i stop feeling god for so long......i teared inside wif no feelings....i cry for my empty... im nt sad, neither m i happy, im nt nervous, im more calm than any as i fear ntg.....no......tis was nt wat i wanted............i c no hope no dreams....

i used to think, no big deal right if one day a person feels ntg, y commit suicide?how silly is tat...
the thing is...it is so diff to feel tat way on my own....i always tot heaven was an escape...tat although i dun feel gd enough on earth, i noe the father up thr will perfect me when i meet him
NO, wat u had on earth, if u did nt glory in his name, if u hv no happiness in him, u hv no treasure stored up thr...something kepts telling me tat...
tis drives me real crazy..nt feeling anything makes me go on despair......i dunno y should i live...wat's the point?y cant i just vanish? y cant i escape to another land? so many questions unanswered........ no one was thr to listen to me...not even my family......... everyone is so busy wif their life...
i was always a gd listener n "sort of" a gd advisor too......... bt y when im hving the hardest part of my life....no one is thr for me...is nt tat i dun try to tell...bt no one seems to pay attention when i speak of it.......

WHY

WHY AM I ALIVE?

awful.....n i start to realise y ppl take drugs...or anti depressant...it makes them gets back tat "happiness", or even a slight feeling can be a big gift

FOOL

bt so wat....if i can feel again...i can do anything....i mean it.....

人生最可怕的经历.... My inner emptiness (心灵的空虚）

It took some time until i figured out that i had totally lost my senses....i tot i was just feeling unhappy n not satisfied wif my life... but no
it was far more than that....i used to shut myself frm ppl whenever i feel sad, embarrassed, jealous n all sorts of unpleasant feelings... because tis endures for a really long time.....i hv become a person without feelings, at first it was "awesome", tat's becoz i will nt be hurt anymore.....i was so wrong...
I forgot that God created us unique, as we r the only creature that can fully express our feelings~ we live wif our emotions~ that's wat that makes us so so speacial
In the end, i felt total empty
ntg can be filled in as i poured it all out n left my heart broken into so many pieces tat r barely able to stitch it back.......it was so broken that i cant cry anymore.... i dun c hope...i often write myself letters when im sad n all sorts last time....bt at those moments...i beg my Lord God for giving me some feelings....so i noe im living in present.......
Both hands on my heart....it was a long winter.....
Not a single thing....can explain.... i traveled to places, so many beautiful places on earth..... i looked frm my eyes....bt i couldnt c it thru my heart anymore.... it was just a picture instead of a scene to me..so beautiful, so "hd" haha....yet...so plain...
this prolongs til i had my final exam, it was nt tat tough actually...if i didnt had to go thru "tat"....
the truth tat happened was on the first day, my roommate actually awaken me by flashing her table lamp at 3 or 4am in the morning without noticing......i didnt slept real early as her the night b4, n i had nvr wake up so early in my life for study....it was real crazy..... the main thing wasnt the coming exam in the morning on 9am
It was tat after tat, becoz of my lack of slp, i couldnt further concentrate for the another sub, the easiest sub i had could hv all my concentration.....
n yet i try taking a nap...my brain just contracts really hard n heart pumping really fastas if i had choked really hard n it hurts....so so bad....tat once or twice....i wan to get the knife frm kitchen n stab thru it n let it stop...if anything tat can let it stop........pls....i begged so hard..... i often get respond real quick if i pray...i tot it was the same..... n i knew....i treated my god just like my convenient store...i go to him only when i need help...so wrong of me.....
this continues.... n i had slpless nights for few days....more than 24hours staying awake for the first time....i nvr tot i can do tat.... i kept throwing up, kept coughing so hard...until the circumstance tat i hv ntg to throw up anymore..... my body is losing the nutrients tat i need...my mental condition is totally nt fit for tis challenge....bt i had prepared for so long... all the days i studied like a zombie....i dun wanna give up....bt i gave it all up to lord....i cant read anymore...i just lay down...watching all others studying n making the last sprint they can...n im left alone wif myself....no one bothered...who m i...i laughed at myself....who....cares?
I saw Lord having a worried face....it was just like a flashed imagination.....or it was?i dunno...

anyhow...i completed the exam......n i tot i nvr could survived.... but the worse..came up...

是怎么了怎么了

不知道是不是离开家稍微久了 还是翅膀长硬了 。。有时想起家。。翻开相簿看。。会想。。这些记忆为什么如此模糊。。如此抽象。。如此不真实。。。我真的好想在家。。。。好想能依赖。。。好像有个避风港。。。