it was far more than that....i used to shut myself frm ppl whenever i feel sad, embarrassed, jealous n all sorts of unpleasant feelings... because tis endures for a really long time.....i hv become a person without feelings, at first it was "awesome", tat's becoz i will nt be hurt anymore.....i was so wrong...
I forgot that God created us unique, as we r the only creature that can fully express our feelings~ we live wif our emotions~ that's wat that makes us so so speacial
In the end, i felt total empty
ntg can be filled in as i poured it all out n left my heart broken into so many pieces tat r barely able to stitch it back.......it was so broken that i cant cry anymore.... i dun c hope...i often write myself letters when im sad n all sorts last time....bt at those moments...i beg my Lord God for giving me some feelings....so i noe im living in present.......
Both hands on my heart....it was a long winter.....
Not a single thing....can explain.... i traveled to places, so many beautiful places on earth..... i looked frm my eyes....bt i couldnt c it thru my heart anymore.... it was just a picture instead of a scene to me..so beautiful, so "hd" haha....yet...so plain...
this prolongs til i had my final exam, it was nt tat tough actually...if i didnt had to go thru "tat"....
the truth tat happened was on the first day, my roommate actually awaken me by flashing her table lamp at 3 or 4am in the morning without noticing......i didnt slept real early as her the night b4, n i had nvr wake up so early in my life for study....it was real crazy..... the main thing wasnt the coming exam in the morning on 9am
It was tat after tat, becoz of my lack of slp, i couldnt further concentrate for the another sub, the easiest sub i had could hv all my concentration.....
n yet i try taking a nap...my brain just contracts really hard n heart pumping really fastas if i had choked really hard n it hurts....so so bad....tat once or twice....i wan to get the knife frm kitchen n stab thru it n let it stop...if anything tat can let it stop........pls....i begged so hard..... i often get respond real quick if i pray...i tot it was the same..... n i knew....i treated my god just like my convenient store...i go to him only when i need help...so wrong of me.....
this continues.... n i had slpless nights for few days....more than 24hours staying awake for the first time....i nvr tot i can do tat.... i kept throwing up, kept coughing so hard...until the circumstance tat i hv ntg to throw up anymore..... my body is losing the nutrients tat i need...my mental condition is totally nt fit for tis challenge....bt i had prepared for so long... all the days i studied like a zombie....i dun wanna give up....bt i gave it all up to lord....i cant read anymore...i just lay down...watching all others studying n making the last sprint they can...n im left alone wif myself....no one bothered...who m i...i laughed at myself....who....cares?
I saw Lord having a worried face....it was just like a flashed imagination.....or it was?i dunno...
anyhow...i completed the exam......n i tot i nvr could survived.... but the worse..came up...
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